Remember when we used to think 40 was old?

Life isn’t about finding yourself.  Life is about creating yourself.  ~ George Bernard Shaw

In a few days I will embark on two new adventures.  The first is actually something I have done before but each time I do it, it feels like a new beginning.  I am excited to spend 5 nights and 6 days completely off the grid in the Boundary Waters Canoe Area in Northern Minnesota.  The second adventure is that I will be turning 40 years old while I am in the woods.  I think I am more anxious about my BWCA trip then I am about turning 40.  I have been pondering this next decade I am about to enter and I am enthusiastic.

In eastern philosophy, there is thought that our lives are divided up into units of 20 years and that each unit pertains to a different element.  From 0-20 we are in the midst of amazing growth both physically, mentally, and emotionally.  This is the part of life where we are absorbing everything we can and easily take it all in - we are like wood.  From 20-40 we are in the midst of the work, we have all the energy in the world to blaze our trail - we are like fire.  From 40-60 we enter a new phase of life where we start to slow down and notice the details and take it all in.  We start to mold more to life's changes - we are metal.  From 60-80 we begin to float through life and enjoy the ride - we are like water.  Finally, if we are lucky enough to enter the final stage from 80-100 we return to the earth and the sky - we are like air.

I was given this wonderful idea of the life journey about two years ago at a meditation class.  This thought process really inspired me to start looking at my own life.  The deeper part of this dharma talk was that many of us are trying to cling onto certain stages of life that are no longer available.  I started to take note of this as I looked at my own life but also of those around me.  The fire stage (20-40) is how many of us live in this world even though it does not serve us anymore.  I see it all the time in the fitness industry.  Many of my clients are over 40 and yet they still want to workout as if their bodies were in their 20's.  People will always say to me,  "It all went down hill when I got into my 40's."  Mainly, they got injured or acquired a chronic injury that really dampened their lives.  As I looked closer at their routines and lifestyles, I noticed that they were still trying to be like fire instead of like metal.  They were going to extreme boot camp classes or deciding that 100 burpees were something that would be good for them.  I started asking questions to myself and to others like, "Why do you want to do that or why do you think that would be good for you?"

The point of this division of life into 20 years is not to force us to accept the fact that we are getting older but to honor that the body, mind and spirit evolve and change.  Evolving and changing are not bad things but signs of personal growth.  The true wisdom is when we start to really take notice and listen to these changes.

I noticed about two years ago that my body was not appreciating high impact classes or routines and it preferred more lower impact, kinder exercises.  I started paying attention to how my body responded to certain foods and realized that there are just some things that do not serve my nutrition any longer.  I started to make priorities for my mental health by taking time away from daily life to enjoy the natural world.  I understand that I need rest as much as I need activity.

Finally, I realized that I have lived an amazing life so far and to be grateful always.  Live life as if you might not get another chance.  Listen to your body and be willing to make changes as they need to happen.  Don't look back, look forward.

I am thrilled to see the beautiful northern woods and spend time reflecting on my first 40 years.  It has been a great ride so far.  As a great song lyric says, "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be!"

The light in me honors the light in you dear friends,

Namaste,
Espi

Here's what almost 40 looks like.  Bring on the next decade! Woohoo!

A Birthday in remembrance

Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.   ~ Shannon L. Alder

It has been a while since I have written a blog.  The latter part of 2016 seemed to turn our world upside down and I am not even talking about the election.   As the beginning of the school year started in August for our kids, we were given the news that Mike's sister Sue was terminal with cancer.  It rocked our world to the core.  Mike's sweet and sassy sister Sue passed away in September and it changed our lives.   I know that this has been even harder for my husband but it has really affected me as well.  I think this has been one of the main reasons I could not write.  I just did not know what to say.  Memories of my own fathers passing resurfaced and I can definitely say I have been sad and depressed.

Today, Sue would have turned 50 years old.  Since knowing Sue I can say without a doubt that there

would have been a HUGE birthday party today to celebrate her.  I bet that most people would use the word "fun" to describe Sue in some way or another.  She was the life of the party, the ultimate party planner and just an all around joy to be around. 

Sue was one of the first people my husband introduced me to in his family when we were first dating almost 17 years ago.  I knew that she was special to him for he was so excited for me to meet her.  She was simply a cool person. 

Sue was a great mother, daughter, sister and friend to so many people.  I was not able to say an official goodbye to Sue but if I were able to say something to her it would be this:

Dear Sue,

You are dearly missed by so many people.  I want to thank you for the following things:

1.  For being an incredible woman.  You walked your own walk and owned it like a boss. 

2.  For raising three amazing kids.  I am in awe at how all three of them stood up at your "Celebration of Life" and talked about you.  They are strong and compassionate people - you would be proud.

3.  For being such a great, older sister to my husband.  It means a lot to me to see how important family is to him.  I believe you and your family influenced him often. He misses you so and I know the past few months have not been easy for him.

4.  For being a friend to so many people.  You touched so many people with your positive attitude and bright smile.  So many people never knew how much you were suffering at the end for you were more concerned about them then yourself.  You always had so much love in your heart for other people.

I know that this is not goodbye but simply "see you again soon."  Thank you for sharing your love and light to this world - I am truly blessed to have known you.

Love,
Espi

P.S.  I hope you are dancing to Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" somewhere really amazing. 


Losing a loved one is not easy but it does remind us that our time here on earth is precious and uncertain.  Love with all your heart and soul - always.

Until next time dear friends,

Namaste

Summer Shenanigans 2016

The purpose of a vacation is to have the time to rest. But many of us, even when we go on vacation, don't know how to rest. We may even come back more tired than before we left. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We returned a few weeks ago from our family vacation.  We had so much fun that we are still trying to figure out the Eastern time zone as we traveled through three time zones over the course of 2.5 weeks.  I frequently referenced this vacation as our "Summer Shenanigans" trip for we packed in a lot in a short amount of time. 

Summers are the best time for us to travel with both our work and kids schedules.  Also, it is pretty safe to say that we probably will not run into any blizzards as drive up North!  This year we had a few priorities to keep in mind so we had to plan well.  It was my 20th high school reunion and we also had to be back in time for Fiona's middle school orientation.  In between this vacation, Mike and I snuck away to Las Vegas.  It was a blast to say the least.

Below are a few pictures that capture our summer fun.  Remember to get out a play as often as you can and to break away from it all.  This is my short and sweet blog.  Hey, it's summer - get outside and play:)

Namaste my fellow beach bums!

The Yogi guide to Pilates

You are only as young as your spine is flexible.  ~ Joseph Pilates

I attended a great Pilates conference in Miami with my friend Emily last month.  We spent two whole days learning and doing Pilates.  We met one of the "Founding Fathers" of Pilates, Mary Bowen.  She is 86 years old and is moving like she is still in her 40's - seriously!  She worked personally with Joseph Pilates back in the day and her stories and expertise were wonderful.

My first experience with Pilates was on the mat.  I took a mat class and thought it was just a boring ab class.  I was also about 20 years old and completely clueless.  Working out to me at that time of my life involved high energy cardio will a little old school ab crunches.  So when I attended the Pilates mat class I thought - this is boring and geez my neck hurts.  Well, guess what?  I was doing it wrong!

I always tell folks interested in Pilates that the mat exercises are some of the most challenging and that using the equipment first is the best way to really "feel" the exercises.  I also suggest that a few private lessons are essential to really understanding the Pilates method.  

I say "method" for Joseph Pilates truly was cutting edge for his time.  He believed that you were only as strong as your core.  If the deeper muscles in the center of your body were weak than you were setting yourself up for many physical problems.

Joe once claimed. “I’m fifty years ahead of my time."

Well, he was right and certainly a little arrogant as well! I suppose he had a right to be somewhat arrogant for he worked his whole life to educate and promote his wellness method. 

Joseph Pilates was born in Monchengladbach Germany in 1883. As a child, Joe had asthma and other ailments. He turned to exercise and athletics to battle these ailments and was always studying various exercise regimens to expand his knowledge base. He became enamored by the classical Greek ideal of a man balanced in body, mind, and spirit, and he began to develop his own exercise system based on this concept. 

Growing into adulthood, Joe was no longer the sickly child he had once been as he became an avid skier, diver, gymnast, and boxer.  Those who have practiced Pilates will understand how many of his exercises mimic certain movements from these athletic activities.

In 1912 Joe went to England, where he worked as a self-defense instructor for detectives at Scotland Yard. At the outbreak of World War I, Joe was interned as an “enemy alien” with other German nationals. During his internment, Joe refined his ideas and trained other internees in his system of exercise.

After his release, Joe returned to Germany. His exercise method gained favor in the dance community, primarily through Rudolf von Laban, who created the form of dance notation most widely used today. When German officials asked Joe to teach his fitness system to the army, he decided to leave Germany for good.

In 1926, Joe emigrated to the United States. During the voyage he met Clara Zeuner, whom he later married.  Joe and Clara opened a fitness studio in New York and by the early 1960s, Joe and Clara were training many clients including New York ballet dancers.

Joseph Pilates died in 1967 and left no rights to his method.  For over 20 years there was a legal battle between some of his protégé on who could say they owned the rights to the Pilates method.  In the end the courts ruled that no one owned the rights to his methods and so anyone could say they were teaching Pilates.

By the 1990's the Pilates business boomed once people were allowed to teach the method without legal ramifications.  Different schools were developed and today you will find that certain styles have evolved but in the end the exercises remain the same.  Pilates is not only featured in fitness facilities all over the world, but has become a crucial training adjunct to elite athletes all over the world.  Pilates is also a great way to help those injured or post surgery to regain strength and flexibility.

A friend recently asked me what was the difference between yoga and Pilates.  I would say that there are many more similarities between these two modalities but a few slight nuances that make them different.  Here are a few contrasts:

Yoga concentrates mostly on increasing strength and flexibility of the spine and limbs; Pilates focuses on building abdominal strength first, and then symmetrical musculature as well as overall flexibility. 

In Pilates, every movement emanates from the center/core and extending through the rest of the body parts.  In yoga, it is the concentration on the breath, first, then focusing on deepening a pose.  In yoga, the primary goal (aside from proper alignment in the poses), is to stay connected to the breath; in Pilates, the first order of business is the precision of movement, and then, the coordination of that movement with the breath.

I truly believe that both yoga and Pilates complement each other and are excellent for everyone.  Both are highly adaptable for any level and ability which is excellent for someone new as well as someone more advanced.

Joe says it best when trying to convince people to practice Pilates:

"In 10 sessions you'll feel the difference, in 20 you'll see the difference, and in 30 you'll have a new body."

Enough said.

So my suggestion is that if you have only been on the yoga train I think it time to jump on the Pilates wagon as well.  Your body, mind and spirit will thank you.

Stay well my dear friends!

The light in me honors the light in you,

Namaste

This crazy little thing called life

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive--to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love." ~ Marcus Aurelius

As I sit here this Memorial Day weekend writing this blog I keep thinking, "Is it really Memorial Day weekend?"  Where has the time gone?  The girls only have a few more days of school left, our summer vacation trip is set and I am already thinking about back-to-school even before the school year ends. Ah!!!  I feel that my life these days is completely ruled by the calendar. 

Maybe I feel this anxiousness for we just came off of a great weekend away where we were not ruled at all by calendars, phones or anyone else.  We had complete freedom from any sort of schedule.  It was fantastic.

As much as I try my hardest to live in the moment, be that true yogi I long to be, I have to be honest - it just does not happen all the time. Some days I feel like I am just running through the motions of that day to advance onto the next day.  Most days my own personal yoga practice involves a few yoga stretches before bedtime and a few minutes of deep breathing before I hit the hay. 

As I reflect upon this holiday weekend it brings me back to memories of my dad.  He always enjoyed

long weekends like this one.  I'm sure my father was thankful for the union job he had that always guaranteed him these days off from work.  We would always have some kind of cookout - come rain or shine.  I can remember quite a few cold and rainy Memorial Days in Minnesota but that never stopped us from firing up the grill and kicking off summertime.  It was the beginning of summer and in some sense freedom from the hustle and bustle of the school year. 

Whenever I think about someone who truly lived and loved in the moment it is always my dad.  I know my dad worried about things, specifically money and his kids, but he also had this deep faith that things would work out somehow.  I also think that he knew that you could plan as much as you liked but more than likely things could and would turn out differently.  Talk about true mastering of impermanence. 

This weekend I remember my dad and all his simple and sweet qualities. His joy for that first cup of coffee in the morning.  Watching his kids and grand kids grow to respectable and loving people.  The joy of gathering family and friends together, eating good food, and maybe enjoying the first swim in the pool of the season.  Simply being grateful for the abundance that we are all given if we just open our eyes and let the joy into our hearts.

Such a simple idea and yet a large task for an over-scheduled and stressed life that we tend to get tangled up in these days.  My hope for myself and for everyone this summer is to enjoy what is, forget about what was and table what might be for a while.

Have a blessed and memorable Memorial Day.  Enjoy these lazy and less crazy days of summer.

The light in me honors the light in you,

Namaste

Turning your world upside down - literally!

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Wayne Dyer

I have been practicing and teaching yoga for over 16 years.  My foundation and love will always be for vinyasa but that does not mean that I have not tried other types of yoga.  I have ventured into the hot yoga class and thought, "Why is it so hot in here?" I have relaxed in restorative classes and finally I have turned myself upside down in the yoga swing and found my "home."  Of all the specialized yoga classes I have to say that aerial yoga is my "it" class.

I came across aerial yoga about three years ago when my friend Emily open her pilates and yoga studio in Clearwater.  I came on as a pilates and traditional yoga teacher but then Emily heard about aerial yoga and said, "Do you want to take this training and certification?"  I did not have a clue what this was going to be but I tend to be a woman willing to think well outside the box so I jumped in feet or should I say "swing" first!

Emily and Espi playing around in the swing

At my first aerial yoga class I was so nervous.  Feelings like trust and anxiousness came out of me.  I tend to think I am a very confident person but the swing was intimidating and scary.  I was used to doing some crazy poses on solid ground but to do them suspended in the air - no way!  After my first class I was completely nauseous.  The class was even a more gentle one and I thought, "I will not be able to do this let alone teach this to other people!"

Luckily our trainer was so supportive.  She reassured me that how I felt both physically and emotionally were totally normal.  I sat down after class, had some water and a little food and within a few minutes I was feeling better.  I was still nervous to come back the next day for another day of training.  I had a lot of self doubt but the tough Scandinavian in me said, "You can do this Espi."  So I returned to training for the next few days and with time and practice I built self confidence in both my body and mind.  Aerial yoga taught me that I can do so much more than I ever I thought I could.  It made my body and mind feel so free and open.

Still not convinced?  Just read some of the benefits from doing aerial yoga below:

1.  This is a total body workout: Due to the nature of many of the movements, almost all the body parts are forced to move and stretch. Muscles are toned and redefined, and joints are regenerated and strengthened due to these movements.

2.  Improves flexibility: Aerial yoga helps you to move more freely, with less effort, by counteracting gravity. Suspension in the air releases tension on the bones and muscles, increasing flexibility and deepening your practice. Suspended yoga strengthens core muscles and increases spinal and shoulder flexibility.

3.  Heals back problems: It gives you the chance to hang freely, allowing your spine to lengthen. With less strain on your back while doing the exercises, it eases tension in the spinal cord and hip joint, helping you feel better.

4.  Increases strength: Aerial yoga improves strength and flexibility, which carries over into other daily activities. Increase in both core and upper body strength will be gained just after a few classes.

5.  Puts you in a great mood: Another key benefit of doing aerial yoga is that it gets your adrenaline going while going against gravity. It also releases “happy” hormones like serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, which boost your mood and help you feel more energetic.

6.  Improves balance: While going against gravity can be exciting, aerial yoga also helps with balance and stability in daily activities. Balance is a key component in daily activities, and aerial yoga helps maintain a good balance both inside and out.

7.  Aids digestion: The different types of stretches and movements help improve the digestive system, thus helping in healing various digestion-related issues, including constipation and indigestion.

8.   Old age and heart disease: Aerial yoga improves the circulation of blood, thus combating aging and its symptoms. Aerial yoga also helps detoxify the circulatory and lymphatic systems, which lowers the onset of various cardiovascular issues.

9.  Improves memory: Aerial yoga fortifies your neural connections, thereby, rendering better memory power. In a way, practicing aerial yoga can make you smarter

10.  It is simply fun! This class lets you be free, swing like a monkey and just let loose.

It feels as magnificent as it looks!

There are a few contraindications to note about aerial yoga.  Due to the nature of the class, with its flips and inversions, aerial yoga is not recommended for women who are pregnant. Also, if you have recently had eye surgery or suffer from vertigo, it is recommended that you consult your doctor before giving the class a try.

But when it comes to your fitness level, there are no restrictions for aerial yoga.  All levels will be challenged and encouraged.  Even if you have never taken a yoga class in your life, you will be amazed at how much you can do. Age does not matter either, I have kids from age nine to 75 hang in a swing and love it.

Some tips for your first class:

Wear long shorts, capris, or long pants and a shirt with at least small sleeves.  Avoid wearing jewelry that may snag on the silk material and perfume or lotion that may scent it. For the ladies on the first day or two of menstruation, you may need to modify your practice. Avoid coming with a full or empty stomach, have a little something with ample time to digest. Come with an open mind and have fun!

As you can see and read aerial yoga has a lot to offer both for physical and mental health.  If you want to learn more or have questions feel free to ask.  Come and join us for a class - seize the swing!

I once read that you should try something new every day - maybe aerial yoga is your something new today!

As always, the light in me honors the light in you,

Namaste

Espi

A gift from the heart

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. ~ Lao Tzu

My sister visited us a few weeks ago and while she was here she gave me an early Christmas gift.  I can say without a doubt that it is the most thoughtful, loving, caring, and special gift I have ever received.  The gift of course relates to our late father.

Our dad was known for wearing either plaid or flannel shirts all the time.  It makes sense for the winters in Minnesota are long and cold.  Between our mom and the rest of the siblings I think that our dad got a new shirt for his birthday and Christmas each year - he was not in a shortage to say the least.

After my dad's funeral I stayed in Minnesota for a while to help my mom go through his things.  We did end up donating a lot of his clothing to charity but my mom wanted to hang onto some of the clothes, specifically some of his shirts.  Little did I know that my sister had a plan with the famous Tom Wallander shirts.

The magic eight pillow

To the right is a picture of eight pillows that my sister had made out of my dad's shirts.  One for my mom and one for each of the seven kids.  The shirts were picked randomly except for the the one my mom received.  She was the only one who knew about my sister's plan so she had a certain shirt she liked used for her pillow.   The odd thing is as my sister started looking at old pictures she started to spot some of us with our dad in those specific shirts.  The pillow I received is one that I am in a picture with him.  

I got my pillow before everyone else for I would not be at our Christmas family gathering in Minnesota this year.  It has been really tough holding this sweet gift as a secret but now that Christmas is complete and everyone has received their pillow I can shout it out to the world. 

My dad and I a few years ago in the shirt

I asked my sister how the presentation of the pillows went with the rest of the family on Christmas day.  She said that everyone was deeply moved.  A part of me wishes I could have been there.  I know that each one of us was genuinely touched by this gift.  It is so comforting to have a little piece of our father still in our grasp.  I feel like a young child with their blanket but in this case it is a pillow.  It's like having dad there with me.  He is forever in my heart but also a symbolic touch away as well.

I'm so lucky to have such a thoughtful and inventive sister.  I know that each of us is thankful for this gift and hold them lovingly in our

   

My pillow

hands and heart.  It is truly a blessed Christmas to be surrounded by such love and support during a tough time of year.  These pillows will be a reminder daily of the true importance of the season.  The importance that my dad would agree with: family, faith, and love.

May the Christmas season continue within our hearts for the New Year.  May we continue to remember the importance of kindness and love in our daily lives.

Namaste

A Winter Solstice filled with hope

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. ~ Rumi

It is hard to believe that it was a year ago that I was up in Minnesota saying goodbye to my dad for the last time.  It may sound strange but I wish that is was last year so I could relive the hours with my dad.  That way he would still be alive and I would still be able to talk to him and hold his hand.  The hardest part about this one year anniversary is that the only comfort I have are the memories.  I so long to see his sweet face, to hear his deep voice and to watch his face shine as he is surrounded by his children and grandchildren.  All of that is just memories now - it can never really happen again.  It seems so finite, so bleak, so sad.

As I am facing this deep sadness within my heart I am also surrounded by the vastness of the Christmas season.  I cannot escape it if I wanted to for it is rooted in my husband's career and in my children's thoughts constantly.  It is really tough to be in the holiday spirit when all my heart wants to do is grieve.  I will admit it, I am not over my father's death.

I also feel like after I hit this one year mark I am supposed to be some place else with this grief.  I do not know why I feel this pressure.  Maybe I feel like people are sick of hearing me say I miss my dad.  I know I am not the first person in the world to lose a father but it is a first for me.

My body and my heart ache for this loss.  How am I supposed to find joy in this season when all I can think and feel is sadness?  I still have days where I would like to just sit around and mope.  I find myself still going through different stages of grief.

Then I find glimpses of joy or dare I say hope in the little things.  My father was a huge weather fan and his death falls upon one of his favorite topics - the change of seasons.  I recall as a child my father always pointing out that this is the shortest day of the year - the Winter Solstice.  He loved watching the days get longer from this point on and would even update us on just how many minutes more of daylight we would be getting.  Must be what us Midwesterners do to fill those cold days with hope for the warmth of spring and summer.

The Winter Solstice also brings upon the idea of a rebirth.  A celebration of the coming year.  In some ways a reminder that even though my father is gone from this earth that his memory can continue in my heart. There is a tenderness and hopefulness to this idea.

Maybe the greatest joy I can always have are the memories of my finals hours with my father.  Those final hours when all seven of his children and his wife gathered to say goodbye.  It was so special to know that we could all be together one last time.  Many families do not get that gift but we did.  The gift of a peaceful farewell to a man, husband, father and grandfather.  Somewhere in the grief and sadness shines hope for the next phase of life.

I will continue to miss my father - that will never cease. I do not think that I will ever truly "get over" my father's death but I do know that the pain and sadness will ease with time.  Life is ever changing but love is one constant that I will continue to believe remains the same. My love for my father and his love for me will never end - that is my true hope.

May the mystery of this time of year inspire us all to find light where there is great darkness, peace where there is war, joy where there is sadness and hope where there is grief and despair.

Blessed Winter Solstice to you all dear friends.

Namaste

Abundant Harvest of Love

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies ~ Aristotle

Today Mike and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  A true milestone in our hearts. I got a little weepy this morning as I realized that amid all the stress we have been through over the years we have always had each other.  The ying and the yang always balancing it out somehow.

As he said, "We have survived two, seven-year itches!" Humor has definitely kept this union going through the years but when I think of the most important ingredient, I would have to say without a doubt that it is love.

We both still have that little electric pulse that runs through our bodies when we are together.  We know what makes each other tick and also what really ticks us off! We know how to fight and make up and even when we should just simply give in (well most of the time!).

We have had a lot of things going on in our family life these past few weeks - a few challenges that have unfortunately clouded my vision on some of the more important things in life.  Mike had to make an emergency trip up to Minnesota to handle some house issues.  Nothing that could not be handled but an added stress no less to a busy schedule.  Trying to keep the kids schedule as normal as possible while mom and dad are trying to make it all work.  "Stressed out" would have been my superhero name last week.  I should have tried to figure out a costume for that one - hahaha!

We have been through some super stressful times and yet somehow we got through them all.  It has always been the love that we share for one another that seems to win in the end.  Knowing that no matter what comes our way we always have the abundant love for each other.

So I dedicate this blog to my forever partner and lover.  I love you so much Mike.  You know how to ease my worries, massage the knots out of my aching back, amaze me with your knowledge, surprise me with your carefree way of life and love me with your unconditional heart.

I have been blessed to take this journey with you the last 15 years and I look forward to many more together.

May the light in my heart honor the light in yours,

Namaste

Mike and Espi from the "I do's" to the "Now."

 

Birthday Blues and Expectations

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! ~ Dr. Seuss

Today would have been my father's 83rd birthday.  I knew it would be a hard day but as the day has gone on, it has been harder than I thought.

I also celebrated my own birthday a few days ago.  It was a lovely day for I spent it with my husband

and my girls.  Yet, in my heart I had a deep longing for my dad to be here for it.  It is still really hard to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer here on this earth.

I do take some comfort in the fact that my dad and I have always shared the same birthday month.  Actually, my birthday falls right in between both my parents.  Kind of apropos for the baby in the family to be nuzzled in-between her folks.

My dad was never a big birthday celebration person but he recognized the importance of life, our lives.  I miss the simple ways of my dad.  He was driven by family and faith.  Between church and his kids that was all that mattered.

My dad did not worry about the little things.  Did we have food, shelter, clothing and a family that loved us?  The answer was yes and that was all that mattered.

I have been using this simple way of life to help me through some of my own personal struggles with stressing over the little things.

The other day, the girls were supposed to start back up with piano.  One of my girls was adamant that she did not want to continue.  It really made me angry.  The real question was why?  I was putting my own desires and expectations of me on her.  I played piano so you shall, too.  It was creating this stress in our family life that was so silly.  I finally decided that in the end it was just that, not the end. Let the girl enjoy her other activities and move on.  Will our world crumble without more piano lessons? No.  Can she take them up again if she chooses to? Yes.  Am I less stressed and saving a few dollars?  Yes.

The most important question: Do we have food, shelter, clothing and a family that loves us?  Yes.

I miss my dad immensely but his simple life teachings still help me even when he is not here anymore.  I hope he had a great birthday today.  Hopefully he had a nice cup of coffee and a lot of M&M cookies.

Here's to letting go of the little things, of expectations of things we cannot control or just simply should not even try to control.  The less we cling to the little things the more calm this walk of life shall be.  Bring on the simple life indeed.

May the light in my heart honor the light in yours,

Namaste

A Back to School Wish

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have.    
~ Margaret Mead

This week the girls headed back to school.  I am in awe that it is the fourth year at their school here in Florida.  Where did the time fly?  Hard to believe that we have a 3rd and 5th grader.

I can honestly say that this year I felt well prepared.  The girls seemed to take more ownership of the first day this year and that helped.  Not a lot of drama which makes for a much smoother first week of school.  This is a big deal when you have two girls!

As the girls grow older I have noticed that I feel quite confident in their academics.  They are intelligent kids for sure.  I know that as they get older there will be some bumps in the road.  The bumps that I am referring to have nothing to do with academics but more the social development and hurdles that come with being human.

I worry about them.  I worry about how they are treated by others. I worry about how they treat others as well.  I know they are kind and loving children and I worry that over time there will be occurrences that might dim that light in their hearts.

I remember growing up and facing some challenging social obstacles as a kid and young adult.  I also remember not always being kind myself as a young person.  Feeling the need to fit in sometimes trumped being a good person.  I know now looking back that this was wrong and I stress to my kids often that being a smart, kind and loving person are the most important things you can do for yourself and others.

Yet, I know it is not easy.  I even see adults faced with this dilemma as well.  I remember when I first moved down here I had a few altercations at one of my jobs where a fellow coworker treated me like I was not welcomed.  She was literally mean to me deliberately.  I thought I was having high school flashbacks.  I could not believe that a grown woman could act that way?

After some time I realized that this person felt threatened by me.  Why?  I have no idea but for some reason I must have been treading on territory already claimed.  After time, I slowly was accepted by this person.  I must have become less threatening when she realized that I was simply a woman trying to live her life in a harmonious manner.

It's hard as a grown woman and parent to start to see and hear the moments that you remember as a child yourself that were not always so fun.  The girls will face those hard decisions on whether to take the high road or take the popular road.  They will not get invited to parties some times and there will be tears.  They will have to decide for themselves who is a true friend and who is not.

My thoughts always go back to the yoga principle of ahimsa or non-harming.  I believe this relates to so many aspects of our lives.  Non-harming applies to both how we treat ourselves and how we treat others.  It is hard to explain this some times to my children but I have decided that the more I can stress the importance of this thought AND action that they just might have an easier (or somewhat easier) time with this thing we call life.

Choosing the more just road is not easy.  We are all faced with daily decisions on doing what is best for ourselves and hopefully others as well.

My wish for this coming school year for my kids (and all kids) is that they may learn how to show respect, love and kindness for others and themselves as well.  Knowing that in the end, peace, love and kindness shall always prevail.

May that light shining bright in their eyes and hearts be constantly burning.  If they can keep that fire lite within them for the future days then they will have accomplished a great deal in this world.

Here is to a new, bright, bold, loving and peaceful school year for all.

May the light in me honor the light in you.

Namaste

Savoring the moments

Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write. ~ John Adams

We just returned from a wonderful summer vacation.  It was a mixture of family, friends and fun.  It was the all American road trip and we are still basking in the wonderful adventure.  We spent a week in Minnesota and then we took another week with our little family to download together.

While I was in Minnesota, I visited by father's grave.  The last time I was at his graveside was the day we laid him to rest.  That was a frigid, December afternoon.  This time around it was delightfully warm and sunny.  I went with my mom and we put flowers on his grave and I took some time to talk to him.  It was a very special day with my mom...and my dad.

It got me thinking about all the moments or events in our lives that happen every day.  Do we take enough time to really appreciate the abundance that surrounds us?  I spent a lot of time in Minnesota with my mom.  We visited my dad's grave, went swimming, walking, dining and just talking.  I know she liked our time together and so did I.

I also thought about my dad when we were all together as a family.  I wondered, "What would dad be doing now if he were here?"  I smiled for I knew right away he would be watching all his grand kids with a mug of coffee in one hand and an M&M cookie in his other hand. He would be filled with love and joy.  He always enjoyed the moments.  He honored the times we were together as a family.  I knew he would be smiling with us that day as well.

My brother and I on our 37 mile Twin Cities bike ride.
I'm holding one of the best cities in my hands - Minneapolis

We did what you were supposed to do on a vacation - we unplugged.  We left our worries back in Florida to enjoy time with people.  I even let go of working out - wow!  I decided that my mind, body and spirit could use a little rest and relaxation.  I did still manage to fit in a 37 mile bike ride with my brother and sister and walks around the lakes and on the North Carolina beaches but they were not my typical routines.  I ate what I liked, in moderation of course and slept in late - ah!


We enjoyed time with our extended families but we also took time with our little family, just the four of us.  We spent time frolicking on the beach and at Aquatica.  We discovered new cities across the country that we had never explored before.  We connected with each other and had no set schedule.  It was refreshing.  It was necessary.  We created moments that will always be remembered and cherished.

 







As I continue to live off of the vacation high, I reflect upon a poem that I first came across while I was in college (many years ago!).  It is deeply moving and reminds me everyday that my dad is still within and around me always.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

RIP sweet dad.  I love you always.

I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
                                              ~ Mary Elizabeth Frye


So take some time this summer to savor the moments, the here and now.  Enjoy the warmth of the sun, dance in the rain (Florida summers include A LOT of rain), strike a yoga pose on the beach and embrace your friends and family a little longer.

The light in me honors the light in you,

Namaste

A Father's Day to Remember with a side of Summer Solstice

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. - Euripides

Last year we were up in Minnesota at this time celebrating Father's Day with my entire family.  I remember when we planned the trip there was a tiny thought in my head that this could be the last Father's Day with my dad.  Little did I know that I would be correct.  I think many of us kind of knew.  My mother was so adamant that everyone be there for the party and that there were plenty of pictures captured. It was a fun day and I know my dad loved it - the whole family was gathered one more time.

 I miss my dad today.  Plain and simple, I just miss him.

Yet, I find great comfort in the many memories that cannot be erased.  Days of great joy with my dad, especially during this time of year - blessed summer!

Summer was a time I always looked forward to as a kid for I knew my dad would be taking time off and we would hop in the car and road trip across the country.  The days were longer; the sun was shining warm upon us after a long, cold winter and it was that special time to chill with the family.

With the collaboration of Father's Day and the Summer Solstice this year it got me thinking about endings and beginnings.

The first day of summer kind of feels like another chance to start anew.  Like a "Happy Half New Year!"  Growing up in Minnesota summers were sacred.  We relished every single day for we knew winter would return again.  The malls were empty but the lakes, parks and pools were crowded.  The grills were fired up every night for dinner and the smell of sunscreen and mosquito repellent were in the air.

My father's death marked an end to his physical life on earth yet his presence will always be a part of me.  This way of celebrating or remembering Father's Day is the mark of a new beginning for me.  I may not have my father actually here but I can remember all those fun days of summer.  I can remember all those days he took my own girls to the pool when they were babies.  I can remember those hot nights he would come over to watch the Minnesota Twins on television with us at our house to get more time with his little angels and to enjoy the cool AC (they did not have AC in their old house).

I also look at my daughters and think, they not only got those amazing years of "papa" but they are blessed with a wonderful father themselves.  I truly believe that the way my father treated my mother and all of us kids are exactly why I have my own amazing husband and children.  My father taught me that I deserve to have love and respect in my life, no exceptions.  Those values can never be taken away.

So as I embark on my first Father's Day without my dad, I thought I would write him a little letter.  This Father's Day marks a new beginning for me and what better way to start then with a letter of gratitude.

Dear Dad,

I miss you today.  I miss that deep laugh of yours.  I miss your handsome blue eyes.  I miss your embrace and sweet kisses on the cheek. There are so many things I miss but instead of dwelling on all that I miss, I wish to thank you for all the things you gave me that have shaped me as the woman I am today.  Here are just a few:

I got your Scandinavian cheekbones - everyone could always tell I was a Wallander.  

I love food and always will.  The food is especially good if it gets all over your face and on the floor as well.

I know the importance of loving your family no matter what.  

I try my hardest to take care of my teeth.  Yet, I avoid doctors as much as I can.

Eat burnt toast to make your hair curly. Oh, and make sure there is A LOT of butter on that toast.

Minnesota is the best place on earth.  I still agree dad but oh those winters!

Time spent on people is more important then money spent on people.

Education is a priority not an option.

Everyone deserves to live a good life.  Go unions!

Only drive American cars. That might change dad but so far I have!

Take care of your mother.

Love God and love your neighbor.  

There are so many more but these are just some that make my heart smile.  I hope that you know how special you are to me.  I hope you are at peace, enjoying a new beginning.  I hope that all your days are like those of summer filled with warmth, relaxation and love.

Your little girl always,

Esperanza

May this Father's Day and the mark of the summer season be filled with tears of sadness and joy, of endings and beginnings but most of all love and peace.

The warm summer light in my heart honors the warm summer light in yours,

Namaste

Swimming in salty tears

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving

I have been a little restless these past few days and I know it is a combination of the end of the school year, the heat (it has been extra hot this Florida spring!), and the six-month anniversary of my dad's death.

I cannot believe it's been six months since that day I kissed and said goodbye to my father.  A half of a year gone already?  I keep thinking I'm supposed to feel a certain way and yet I cannot fully determine how I feel.  My head and heart have been talking to me a great deal over the past few days.  My brain cannot seem to shut down with all the activities that are taking place as the school year ends, the summer begins and plans for a visit back up north are underway.  My heart has been heavy with the thought that when we do visit Minnesota this summer, my dad will not be there.

With all of this I have been adding swimming back into my exercise routine.  I recall a time about ten years ago when I was swimming like a machine.  Right now I am lucky if I get in once, maybe twice a week for laps.  There is something so awesome about gliding along the water, feeling your body move with grace and ease.

So today I kicked off this Memorial Day weekend with taking the girls to the YMCA pool.  I swam some laps while they played in the family pool.  I needed the movement for my body but what I find is that swimming takes me into my own little world.  The only sounds I hear are those of my body moving through the water and my breath entering and exiting in steady rhythm.  It gives me time to think, to escape and to simply feel weightless.

Today's swim was different.  I needed to shed this lingering restlessness and pain within my heart.  I had not cried in a while and it was the perfect place to just let go.  So I swam and I cried those salty tears.  I told my dad that I missed him.

I just kept swimming and crying those salty tears. I thought about the meaning of this weekend.  Thinking again of my dad and how he served in the Korean War and how he is now gone.  I remember Memorial Day weekends as a child.  So excited for the start of summer, my dad grilling, and mom's potato salad and of course the beginning of swimming season.  We lived for swimming as kids growing up in Minnesota.  After surviving the long winters our reward was those days of swimming from Memorial Day all the way through Labor Day.  We savored summer.  It was a time to relax and let go of all your worries.

I kept swimming and crying those salty tears and before I knew it, it had been over 45 minutes.  I felt the internal and external cleansing of those tears.  I had lost track of how many laps I had completed but I felt a lightness fall over my entire body.

The girls joined me in the lap lane.  We practice our swimming strokes together.  My little Chloe hugging me in between our races.  My little Fiona timing her laps.  My dads "little angels" giving me the love and support that I needed at that moment.

I guess I needed a good cry and swim today.  I have a feeling I will have more of them to come - even more this weekend quite possibly.

May we all have a weekend filled with remembering those that have served and passed on but also a weekend filled with renewing, cleansing tears of sadness, joy, love and hope.

Here is to the start of summer, swimming, salty tears, sand between your toes and love embracing your heart always.

Namaste

Dad and his little angels

Here's to the beach this summer!

To be a Real Yogi, or not to be

Yoga, an ancient but perfect science, deals with the evolution of humanity. This evolution includes all aspects of one's being, from bodily health to self realization. Yoga means union - the union of body with consciousness and consciousness with the soul. Yoga cultivates the ways of maintaining a balanced attitude in day to day life and endows skill in the performance of one's actions.  ~ B.K.S. Iyengar

I love B.K.S. Iyengar's quote above for this is how I feel about yoga.  I know that every one's journey is different.  Some students come simply for the physical and that is just fine with me for what most do not know is that there are some really cool things happening inside their minds and souls as well as they practice.  I know others that are only there for the savasana and that is awesome, too.  I truly believe in the end we are all subconsciously seeking balance in our lives.

I came across an article the other day about misconceptions of yoga teachers.  It got me thinking about some of the misconceptions I have heard over my years of practice. I have had my share of comments from both students that practice yoga and from those that have never set foot on a mat.  I would say that modern day marketing has done a good job of making sure everyone knows that yoga exists but I would say that it does not do a good job of relaying what yoga can be for those that practice.

Here are some of the stereotypes I have heard over the years about people who teach or practice yoga:

Real yogis have ectomorphic bodies (aka - thin)

It is hard not to think that all yoga instructors must be tall, thin and gorgeous for that is what every ad shows us.  The last time I saw a "Hard Tail" ad showing a mildly chubby model in yoga clothes was like...never!  Yet, I know for fact that there are many of us instructors and followers of yoga that are not that body type.  We come in all shapes and sizes, with different strengths and weaknesses but we all desire to practice.  

I can honestly say that 15 years ago when I started practicing yoga it was for very superficial reasons.  I wanted that long, lean body.  Guess what?  I did get leaner, stronger, more flexible and I felt fantastic.  I was also in my twenties, teaching tons of high impact classes, had no kids, it was 100% about me.  What I did not know as I began my yoga journey was how my body would crave for that movement and little did I know that my mind did as well.  

As I look back on my journey I can say that yoga is the reason I have had minimal injuries for all the hard classes I have taught back to back, day after day.  Yoga has taught me about how the human body moves and functions.  I have been able to apply this knowledge to helping people get out of pain, including myself.  Yoga got me through two amazing pregnancies and natural labors.  Yoga is something I know I can do for the rest of my life and this makes me so happy.  

All yogis should be vegans or vegetarians

Now the diet thing is a big debate in the yoga world.  I am not ashamed to say I eat meat but it does bother me a bit when people preach their diet.  Just like we are all not the same body type we are all also dealing with completely different and complex nutritional needs.  Some of us have tried vegetarian diets but have found that adding animal protein is really what makes us feel best.

On the more spiritual side of yoga there is the case for ahimsa. Ahimsa means non-harming and so many interpret this to include not killing animals and/or eating them as well.  I understand this but like any practice we all have to do what is right for our bodies.

Instead of insisting that we adhere to a diet that might not work well with our current body why not simply work on eating with gratitude.  Say a prayer of gratitude before each meal thanking those that helped grow and harvest the food we are about to eat.  I know that there are a lot of folks out there that would argue this one with me but again I believe we are all on our own journeys and we need to do what is best for our own well being.

With that, I do think there are things we should consider as well when choosing food.  I do believe that eating real food often is important.  Trying to eat as much organic produce and meat is both important for our own health but that of the environment as well.  Supporting local growers and respecting the earth.  This is just as important as what we eat.

All yogis are flexible like Gumby 

Of course I can put my legs behind my head and balance on one finger - can't you?!?!? 

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this line, "I can't do yoga for I am not flexible." I normally smile and simply say," Then you have come to the right place for this is where you start the flexibility journey."  That is like saying, " I can't start to clean up my diet and exercise because I am overweight."  Isn't then the point that you need to start doing those things to get to the desired goal?  So, stop saying you can't do yoga for you are not flexible.  If you are a beginner find a beginners class and let the teacher know it is your first time.  If you start at point A then getting to point B,C, D and on will be so much easier.  Flexibility is so different for each person.  Work with what you got and over time you will see a difference.  Just not trying it because you think you can't is not a good excuse.  Remember that we are not just working on flexibility of the body but that of the mind as well.

All yogis are calm and collective all the time

Yes, I float about all day dreaming of rainbows and kittens.  My children are always well behaved and my house is immaculate.  I never worry or get mad either.  Life is perfect.  Only on t.v folks, only on t.v.  Yogis are human, we have our daily lives to deal with, sometimes some really unhappy stuff going on but it is through our yoga practice of the body and mind that have helped us deal with it all.  We cry, we scream, we yell and we even fight sometimes.  I once had a student say, " I so needed that class or I was going to kill someone."  Yes, we are fighting everyday to minimize crime in the community through yoga - both for our students and for ourselves.

All yogis practice yoga everyday

Yes, I wake up daily before the sun rises and complete my practice and meditation.  I then complete all my ayurvedic remedies (oil pulling, Netti pot and warm lemon cleanse) before the kids and hubby get up and we all float out of the house ready for a perfect day.  NOT!  I am lucky if I get a few minutes at night to stretch my body after hours of teaching not just yoga but other classes, training clients, running around for kiddos activities, making sure we all shove something somewhat healthy in our mouths and by that time just a few necessary stretches are all I can handle.  Bed is calling my name.

I would love to be able to practice more and some weeks I am able to carve out more time but know that we are human, too.  We have plenty of stuff to do as well.  We have bills to pay, families to take care of, and community duties.

My favorite thing is to be able to attend a class that I do not teach. When I show up I try my hardest to just be me, incognito.  If I do not chat a lot with you it doesn't mean I don't like you it is just my time.  That is why a lot of times I will go to another club or someplace where no one knows me for it is wonderful to just be the student.

So...

As you can see there are some funny stereotypes for those of us in the yoga world.  If you are thinking about taking up yoga please do.  Sometimes it takes time to find the right class or the right teacher.  Try to be open to all types, explore and make it a journey of the body, mind and spirit.  I promise that once you start, you will not want to stop.

 I thought the photo below explains how a lot of us feel from time to time:

May the light in me honor the light in you,

Namaste