It is hard to believe that it was a year ago that I was up in Minnesota saying goodbye to my dad for the last time. It may sound strange but I wish that is was last year so I could relive the hours with my dad. That way he would still be alive and I would still be able to talk to him and hold his hand. The hardest part about this one year anniversary is that the only comfort I have are the memories. I so long to see his sweet face, to hear his deep voice and to watch his face shine as he is surrounded by his children and grandchildren. All of that is just memories now - it can never really happen again. It seems so finite, so bleak, so sad.
As I am facing this deep sadness within my heart I am also surrounded by the vastness of the Christmas season. I cannot escape it if I wanted to for it is rooted in my husband's career and in my children's thoughts constantly. It is really tough to be in the holiday spirit when all my heart wants to do is grieve. I will admit it, I am not over my father's death.
I also feel like after I hit this one year mark I am supposed to be some place else with this grief. I do not know why I feel this pressure. Maybe I feel like people are sick of hearing me say I miss my dad. I know I am not the first person in the world to lose a father but it is a first for me.
My body and my heart ache for this loss. How am I supposed to find joy in this season when all I can think and feel is sadness? I still have days where I would like to just sit around and mope. I find myself still going through different stages of grief.
Then I find glimpses of joy or dare I say hope in the little things. My father was a huge weather fan and his death falls upon one of his favorite topics - the change of seasons. I recall as a child my father always pointing out that this is the shortest day of the year - the Winter Solstice. He loved watching the days get longer from this point on and would even update us on just how many minutes more of daylight we would be getting. Must be what us Midwesterners do to fill those cold days with hope for the warmth of spring and summer.
The Winter Solstice also brings upon the idea of a rebirth. A celebration of the coming year. In some ways a reminder that even though my father is gone from this earth that his memory can continue in my heart. There is a tenderness and hopefulness to this idea.
Maybe the greatest joy I can always have are the memories of my finals hours with my father. Those final hours when all seven of his children and his wife gathered to say goodbye. It was so special to know that we could all be together one last time. Many families do not get that gift but we did. The gift of a peaceful farewell to a man, husband, father and grandfather. Somewhere in the grief and sadness shines hope for the next phase of life.
I will continue to miss my father - that will never cease. I do not think that I will ever truly "get over" my father's death but I do know that the pain and sadness will ease with time. Life is ever changing but love is one constant that I will continue to believe remains the same. My love for my father and his love for me will never end - that is my true hope.
May the mystery of this time of year inspire us all to find light where there is great darkness, peace where there is war, joy where there is sadness and hope where there is grief and despair.
Blessed Winter Solstice to you all dear friends.
Namaste
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