A Winter Solstice filled with hope

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom. ~ Rumi

It is hard to believe that it was a year ago that I was up in Minnesota saying goodbye to my dad for the last time.  It may sound strange but I wish that is was last year so I could relive the hours with my dad.  That way he would still be alive and I would still be able to talk to him and hold his hand.  The hardest part about this one year anniversary is that the only comfort I have are the memories.  I so long to see his sweet face, to hear his deep voice and to watch his face shine as he is surrounded by his children and grandchildren.  All of that is just memories now - it can never really happen again.  It seems so finite, so bleak, so sad.

As I am facing this deep sadness within my heart I am also surrounded by the vastness of the Christmas season.  I cannot escape it if I wanted to for it is rooted in my husband's career and in my children's thoughts constantly.  It is really tough to be in the holiday spirit when all my heart wants to do is grieve.  I will admit it, I am not over my father's death.

I also feel like after I hit this one year mark I am supposed to be some place else with this grief.  I do not know why I feel this pressure.  Maybe I feel like people are sick of hearing me say I miss my dad.  I know I am not the first person in the world to lose a father but it is a first for me.

My body and my heart ache for this loss.  How am I supposed to find joy in this season when all I can think and feel is sadness?  I still have days where I would like to just sit around and mope.  I find myself still going through different stages of grief.

Then I find glimpses of joy or dare I say hope in the little things.  My father was a huge weather fan and his death falls upon one of his favorite topics - the change of seasons.  I recall as a child my father always pointing out that this is the shortest day of the year - the Winter Solstice.  He loved watching the days get longer from this point on and would even update us on just how many minutes more of daylight we would be getting.  Must be what us Midwesterners do to fill those cold days with hope for the warmth of spring and summer.

The Winter Solstice also brings upon the idea of a rebirth.  A celebration of the coming year.  In some ways a reminder that even though my father is gone from this earth that his memory can continue in my heart. There is a tenderness and hopefulness to this idea.

Maybe the greatest joy I can always have are the memories of my finals hours with my father.  Those final hours when all seven of his children and his wife gathered to say goodbye.  It was so special to know that we could all be together one last time.  Many families do not get that gift but we did.  The gift of a peaceful farewell to a man, husband, father and grandfather.  Somewhere in the grief and sadness shines hope for the next phase of life.

I will continue to miss my father - that will never cease. I do not think that I will ever truly "get over" my father's death but I do know that the pain and sadness will ease with time.  Life is ever changing but love is one constant that I will continue to believe remains the same. My love for my father and his love for me will never end - that is my true hope.

May the mystery of this time of year inspire us all to find light where there is great darkness, peace where there is war, joy where there is sadness and hope where there is grief and despair.

Blessed Winter Solstice to you all dear friends.

Namaste

Abundant Harvest of Love

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies ~ Aristotle

Today Mike and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  A true milestone in our hearts. I got a little weepy this morning as I realized that amid all the stress we have been through over the years we have always had each other.  The ying and the yang always balancing it out somehow.

As he said, "We have survived two, seven-year itches!" Humor has definitely kept this union going through the years but when I think of the most important ingredient, I would have to say without a doubt that it is love.

We both still have that little electric pulse that runs through our bodies when we are together.  We know what makes each other tick and also what really ticks us off! We know how to fight and make up and even when we should just simply give in (well most of the time!).

We have had a lot of things going on in our family life these past few weeks - a few challenges that have unfortunately clouded my vision on some of the more important things in life.  Mike had to make an emergency trip up to Minnesota to handle some house issues.  Nothing that could not be handled but an added stress no less to a busy schedule.  Trying to keep the kids schedule as normal as possible while mom and dad are trying to make it all work.  "Stressed out" would have been my superhero name last week.  I should have tried to figure out a costume for that one - hahaha!

We have been through some super stressful times and yet somehow we got through them all.  It has always been the love that we share for one another that seems to win in the end.  Knowing that no matter what comes our way we always have the abundant love for each other.

So I dedicate this blog to my forever partner and lover.  I love you so much Mike.  You know how to ease my worries, massage the knots out of my aching back, amaze me with your knowledge, surprise me with your carefree way of life and love me with your unconditional heart.

I have been blessed to take this journey with you the last 15 years and I look forward to many more together.

May the light in my heart honor the light in yours,

Namaste

Mike and Espi from the "I do's" to the "Now."

 

Birthday Blues and Expectations

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! ~ Dr. Seuss

Today would have been my father's 83rd birthday.  I knew it would be a hard day but as the day has gone on, it has been harder than I thought.

I also celebrated my own birthday a few days ago.  It was a lovely day for I spent it with my husband

and my girls.  Yet, in my heart I had a deep longing for my dad to be here for it.  It is still really hard to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer here on this earth.

I do take some comfort in the fact that my dad and I have always shared the same birthday month.  Actually, my birthday falls right in between both my parents.  Kind of apropos for the baby in the family to be nuzzled in-between her folks.

My dad was never a big birthday celebration person but he recognized the importance of life, our lives.  I miss the simple ways of my dad.  He was driven by family and faith.  Between church and his kids that was all that mattered.

My dad did not worry about the little things.  Did we have food, shelter, clothing and a family that loved us?  The answer was yes and that was all that mattered.

I have been using this simple way of life to help me through some of my own personal struggles with stressing over the little things.

The other day, the girls were supposed to start back up with piano.  One of my girls was adamant that she did not want to continue.  It really made me angry.  The real question was why?  I was putting my own desires and expectations of me on her.  I played piano so you shall, too.  It was creating this stress in our family life that was so silly.  I finally decided that in the end it was just that, not the end. Let the girl enjoy her other activities and move on.  Will our world crumble without more piano lessons? No.  Can she take them up again if she chooses to? Yes.  Am I less stressed and saving a few dollars?  Yes.

The most important question: Do we have food, shelter, clothing and a family that loves us?  Yes.

I miss my dad immensely but his simple life teachings still help me even when he is not here anymore.  I hope he had a great birthday today.  Hopefully he had a nice cup of coffee and a lot of M&M cookies.

Here's to letting go of the little things, of expectations of things we cannot control or just simply should not even try to control.  The less we cling to the little things the more calm this walk of life shall be.  Bring on the simple life indeed.

May the light in my heart honor the light in yours,

Namaste

A Back to School Wish

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have.    
~ Margaret Mead

This week the girls headed back to school.  I am in awe that it is the fourth year at their school here in Florida.  Where did the time fly?  Hard to believe that we have a 3rd and 5th grader.

I can honestly say that this year I felt well prepared.  The girls seemed to take more ownership of the first day this year and that helped.  Not a lot of drama which makes for a much smoother first week of school.  This is a big deal when you have two girls!

As the girls grow older I have noticed that I feel quite confident in their academics.  They are intelligent kids for sure.  I know that as they get older there will be some bumps in the road.  The bumps that I am referring to have nothing to do with academics but more the social development and hurdles that come with being human.

I worry about them.  I worry about how they are treated by others. I worry about how they treat others as well.  I know they are kind and loving children and I worry that over time there will be occurrences that might dim that light in their hearts.

I remember growing up and facing some challenging social obstacles as a kid and young adult.  I also remember not always being kind myself as a young person.  Feeling the need to fit in sometimes trumped being a good person.  I know now looking back that this was wrong and I stress to my kids often that being a smart, kind and loving person are the most important things you can do for yourself and others.

Yet, I know it is not easy.  I even see adults faced with this dilemma as well.  I remember when I first moved down here I had a few altercations at one of my jobs where a fellow coworker treated me like I was not welcomed.  She was literally mean to me deliberately.  I thought I was having high school flashbacks.  I could not believe that a grown woman could act that way?

After some time I realized that this person felt threatened by me.  Why?  I have no idea but for some reason I must have been treading on territory already claimed.  After time, I slowly was accepted by this person.  I must have become less threatening when she realized that I was simply a woman trying to live her life in a harmonious manner.

It's hard as a grown woman and parent to start to see and hear the moments that you remember as a child yourself that were not always so fun.  The girls will face those hard decisions on whether to take the high road or take the popular road.  They will not get invited to parties some times and there will be tears.  They will have to decide for themselves who is a true friend and who is not.

My thoughts always go back to the yoga principle of ahimsa or non-harming.  I believe this relates to so many aspects of our lives.  Non-harming applies to both how we treat ourselves and how we treat others.  It is hard to explain this some times to my children but I have decided that the more I can stress the importance of this thought AND action that they just might have an easier (or somewhat easier) time with this thing we call life.

Choosing the more just road is not easy.  We are all faced with daily decisions on doing what is best for ourselves and hopefully others as well.

My wish for this coming school year for my kids (and all kids) is that they may learn how to show respect, love and kindness for others and themselves as well.  Knowing that in the end, peace, love and kindness shall always prevail.

May that light shining bright in their eyes and hearts be constantly burning.  If they can keep that fire lite within them for the future days then they will have accomplished a great deal in this world.

Here is to a new, bright, bold, loving and peaceful school year for all.

May the light in me honor the light in you.

Namaste

Savoring the moments

Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write. ~ John Adams

We just returned from a wonderful summer vacation.  It was a mixture of family, friends and fun.  It was the all American road trip and we are still basking in the wonderful adventure.  We spent a week in Minnesota and then we took another week with our little family to download together.

While I was in Minnesota, I visited by father's grave.  The last time I was at his graveside was the day we laid him to rest.  That was a frigid, December afternoon.  This time around it was delightfully warm and sunny.  I went with my mom and we put flowers on his grave and I took some time to talk to him.  It was a very special day with my mom...and my dad.

It got me thinking about all the moments or events in our lives that happen every day.  Do we take enough time to really appreciate the abundance that surrounds us?  I spent a lot of time in Minnesota with my mom.  We visited my dad's grave, went swimming, walking, dining and just talking.  I know she liked our time together and so did I.

I also thought about my dad when we were all together as a family.  I wondered, "What would dad be doing now if he were here?"  I smiled for I knew right away he would be watching all his grand kids with a mug of coffee in one hand and an M&M cookie in his other hand. He would be filled with love and joy.  He always enjoyed the moments.  He honored the times we were together as a family.  I knew he would be smiling with us that day as well.

My brother and I on our 37 mile Twin Cities bike ride.
I'm holding one of the best cities in my hands - Minneapolis

We did what you were supposed to do on a vacation - we unplugged.  We left our worries back in Florida to enjoy time with people.  I even let go of working out - wow!  I decided that my mind, body and spirit could use a little rest and relaxation.  I did still manage to fit in a 37 mile bike ride with my brother and sister and walks around the lakes and on the North Carolina beaches but they were not my typical routines.  I ate what I liked, in moderation of course and slept in late - ah!


We enjoyed time with our extended families but we also took time with our little family, just the four of us.  We spent time frolicking on the beach and at Aquatica.  We discovered new cities across the country that we had never explored before.  We connected with each other and had no set schedule.  It was refreshing.  It was necessary.  We created moments that will always be remembered and cherished.

 







As I continue to live off of the vacation high, I reflect upon a poem that I first came across while I was in college (many years ago!).  It is deeply moving and reminds me everyday that my dad is still within and around me always.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

RIP sweet dad.  I love you always.

I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
                                              ~ Mary Elizabeth Frye


So take some time this summer to savor the moments, the here and now.  Enjoy the warmth of the sun, dance in the rain (Florida summers include A LOT of rain), strike a yoga pose on the beach and embrace your friends and family a little longer.

The light in me honors the light in you,

Namaste

A Father's Day to Remember with a side of Summer Solstice

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. - Euripides

Last year we were up in Minnesota at this time celebrating Father's Day with my entire family.  I remember when we planned the trip there was a tiny thought in my head that this could be the last Father's Day with my dad.  Little did I know that I would be correct.  I think many of us kind of knew.  My mother was so adamant that everyone be there for the party and that there were plenty of pictures captured. It was a fun day and I know my dad loved it - the whole family was gathered one more time.

 I miss my dad today.  Plain and simple, I just miss him.

Yet, I find great comfort in the many memories that cannot be erased.  Days of great joy with my dad, especially during this time of year - blessed summer!

Summer was a time I always looked forward to as a kid for I knew my dad would be taking time off and we would hop in the car and road trip across the country.  The days were longer; the sun was shining warm upon us after a long, cold winter and it was that special time to chill with the family.

With the collaboration of Father's Day and the Summer Solstice this year it got me thinking about endings and beginnings.

The first day of summer kind of feels like another chance to start anew.  Like a "Happy Half New Year!"  Growing up in Minnesota summers were sacred.  We relished every single day for we knew winter would return again.  The malls were empty but the lakes, parks and pools were crowded.  The grills were fired up every night for dinner and the smell of sunscreen and mosquito repellent were in the air.

My father's death marked an end to his physical life on earth yet his presence will always be a part of me.  This way of celebrating or remembering Father's Day is the mark of a new beginning for me.  I may not have my father actually here but I can remember all those fun days of summer.  I can remember all those days he took my own girls to the pool when they were babies.  I can remember those hot nights he would come over to watch the Minnesota Twins on television with us at our house to get more time with his little angels and to enjoy the cool AC (they did not have AC in their old house).

I also look at my daughters and think, they not only got those amazing years of "papa" but they are blessed with a wonderful father themselves.  I truly believe that the way my father treated my mother and all of us kids are exactly why I have my own amazing husband and children.  My father taught me that I deserve to have love and respect in my life, no exceptions.  Those values can never be taken away.

So as I embark on my first Father's Day without my dad, I thought I would write him a little letter.  This Father's Day marks a new beginning for me and what better way to start then with a letter of gratitude.

Dear Dad,

I miss you today.  I miss that deep laugh of yours.  I miss your handsome blue eyes.  I miss your embrace and sweet kisses on the cheek. There are so many things I miss but instead of dwelling on all that I miss, I wish to thank you for all the things you gave me that have shaped me as the woman I am today.  Here are just a few:

I got your Scandinavian cheekbones - everyone could always tell I was a Wallander.  

I love food and always will.  The food is especially good if it gets all over your face and on the floor as well.

I know the importance of loving your family no matter what.  

I try my hardest to take care of my teeth.  Yet, I avoid doctors as much as I can.

Eat burnt toast to make your hair curly. Oh, and make sure there is A LOT of butter on that toast.

Minnesota is the best place on earth.  I still agree dad but oh those winters!

Time spent on people is more important then money spent on people.

Education is a priority not an option.

Everyone deserves to live a good life.  Go unions!

Only drive American cars. That might change dad but so far I have!

Take care of your mother.

Love God and love your neighbor.  

There are so many more but these are just some that make my heart smile.  I hope that you know how special you are to me.  I hope you are at peace, enjoying a new beginning.  I hope that all your days are like those of summer filled with warmth, relaxation and love.

Your little girl always,

Esperanza

May this Father's Day and the mark of the summer season be filled with tears of sadness and joy, of endings and beginnings but most of all love and peace.

The warm summer light in my heart honors the warm summer light in yours,

Namaste

Swimming in salty tears

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving

I have been a little restless these past few days and I know it is a combination of the end of the school year, the heat (it has been extra hot this Florida spring!), and the six-month anniversary of my dad's death.

I cannot believe it's been six months since that day I kissed and said goodbye to my father.  A half of a year gone already?  I keep thinking I'm supposed to feel a certain way and yet I cannot fully determine how I feel.  My head and heart have been talking to me a great deal over the past few days.  My brain cannot seem to shut down with all the activities that are taking place as the school year ends, the summer begins and plans for a visit back up north are underway.  My heart has been heavy with the thought that when we do visit Minnesota this summer, my dad will not be there.

With all of this I have been adding swimming back into my exercise routine.  I recall a time about ten years ago when I was swimming like a machine.  Right now I am lucky if I get in once, maybe twice a week for laps.  There is something so awesome about gliding along the water, feeling your body move with grace and ease.

So today I kicked off this Memorial Day weekend with taking the girls to the YMCA pool.  I swam some laps while they played in the family pool.  I needed the movement for my body but what I find is that swimming takes me into my own little world.  The only sounds I hear are those of my body moving through the water and my breath entering and exiting in steady rhythm.  It gives me time to think, to escape and to simply feel weightless.

Today's swim was different.  I needed to shed this lingering restlessness and pain within my heart.  I had not cried in a while and it was the perfect place to just let go.  So I swam and I cried those salty tears.  I told my dad that I missed him.

I just kept swimming and crying those salty tears. I thought about the meaning of this weekend.  Thinking again of my dad and how he served in the Korean War and how he is now gone.  I remember Memorial Day weekends as a child.  So excited for the start of summer, my dad grilling, and mom's potato salad and of course the beginning of swimming season.  We lived for swimming as kids growing up in Minnesota.  After surviving the long winters our reward was those days of swimming from Memorial Day all the way through Labor Day.  We savored summer.  It was a time to relax and let go of all your worries.

I kept swimming and crying those salty tears and before I knew it, it had been over 45 minutes.  I felt the internal and external cleansing of those tears.  I had lost track of how many laps I had completed but I felt a lightness fall over my entire body.

The girls joined me in the lap lane.  We practice our swimming strokes together.  My little Chloe hugging me in between our races.  My little Fiona timing her laps.  My dads "little angels" giving me the love and support that I needed at that moment.

I guess I needed a good cry and swim today.  I have a feeling I will have more of them to come - even more this weekend quite possibly.

May we all have a weekend filled with remembering those that have served and passed on but also a weekend filled with renewing, cleansing tears of sadness, joy, love and hope.

Here is to the start of summer, swimming, salty tears, sand between your toes and love embracing your heart always.

Namaste

Dad and his little angels

Here's to the beach this summer!